06 Sep Supported Separation
When new life comes to a man and a woman, its very creation is dependant upon both parts equally. There is an unspoken psychic understanding or belief that these two loved, in order for that life to be.
It is not always the case, yet the cellular argument is way stronger than details of proximity or circumstance – there is a contract made.
From 0-7 a baby/child learns the essence of unconditional love, if it is very, very lucky – most will learn that love is extremely conditional.
When a marriage-like bond is broken the one who suffers the most is the child – make no mistake. They may not have the maturity, frame of reference or words to express it – that doesn’t prevent it from being so.
Adults have choice – children don’t. Adults make decisions – children can’t. Adults are completely in control of the fall-out that creates a childhood.
A child watches and feels as 50% of what they are; loves or battles with the other 50%.
When parents can no longer live and love under the same roof, the child must come first. As nature would have it, a Supported Separation is also most ideal for the parents.
There is a basic understanding needed to design or construct this essential new relationship:
One, if you have a child together, you have something extremely special.
Two, if you love your child, you love the part of them the co-parent represents, you must do – if you love your child completely.
Three, you chose this reality. This is entirely your responsibility – that is, the ability to respond is yours alone.
I will certainly not suggest that this necessary reset is easy, usually it is not. We can reach out and focus on the many reasons why it will be impossible.
The reasons will always include Money, Time, Energy, Love. Therefore, these are the barometers we begin with, formulating a structure supporting each element.
The only remaining fundamental that couples find difficult, simply because they don’t prioritise it – putting the self aside for the sake of their child.
The reasons the couple are not together always emerge. These are useful healing opportunities many run away from, preferring to spend the rest of their lives encased in excuses.
Next, the broken record syndrome begins, drawing a myriad of pictures and constructs repeating one or all of the above mentioned elements negatively and destructively.
If the situation is cleared from the outset, this energy/time wasting is less likely.
I have mentioned before that a person is measured more by the impossibly hard than the seamlessly easy chapters in their story.
This healing opportunity is probably our greatest challenge. The rules are simple, yet not easy.
As you evolve toward this way of being, almost by osmosis, your offspring will change, shift or heal. Could there be a better reason?
Be brave. Once again what is required is a paradigm shift from the norm being distress, disempowerment and dissension, to one of structure resolution and ease.
Always remember your children are worth it.
Never focus on what’s wrong, as that becomes your cleverly constructed reality
They say half our society’s marriages will end, mostly children are involved. Be acutely aware their childhood belief system about themselves and their ability to feel loved is entirely in your hands…